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Pages: advice? [1]
Author Topic: Advice?
daspit

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Posts: 2

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2011-02-08 12-37-49

advice? looking for any advice. My girlfriend and I both identify primarily as lesbians, but are in reality more bi than les. She is more attracted to men than I am. We have been together on-again-off-again for 7 1/2 yrs. the longest break was for about 8 months, but we have been together for 2 years since then. Other previous breakups have lasted only a couple days, or a couple weeks, with the longest previous time apart being 2 months. during the longer break-ups, we both slept with other people. during the last two breakups my gf has been involved (casually) with men. I have dated women. I slept with a man when I was out of town before we broke up the last time. she recently cheated on me with a man for a few months, slept with him maybe 6-8 times. I just found out. we think we want to work it out, but i am wondering if we will ever be happy with each other if we still both sometimes want to sleep with men. I don't want to invite a third party into our bed, but don't want her to spend the night in the arms of someone else either. i find the sex much more pleasurable with women. she says she does too. we both think that our moderate attraction to penises is related to clicking biological clocks - we are in our late 20s/early 30s. we love each other, but are (obviously) a little disfunctional! we have great chemistry and compatibility when things are good. but we also have a hard time keeping the spark there when we have been stable for a while. it seems like our best sex is always after we get back together or make up after a fight or something, but after we've been together for a little while it wanes... any advice would be appreciated. thanks!
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amelita

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2011-02-11 2-02-50-

therapy Yeah I said it.
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  • Roanne

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    2011-02-12 11-41-42

    beer therapy!
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  • Doe

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    2011-02-15 3-25-23-

    Hey, I think you're on to something here! We could team up on this business plan, and make a mint! Northern CA therapists, Oregon beer.... Although every time I try beer therapy myself, I end up having a few IPAs with my best guy friend and ending the session with the inevitable, yet heartfelt: "I LOVE YOU MAN!" It is therapeutic, though.
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  • ditmer

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    2011-03-01 20-02-08

    I'd agree. Sounds super complicated - in fact it's making my head hurt just trying to follow it in print. A trained & objective third party would probably be the best person to help you two sort it out.
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    samms

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    2011-04-07 14-53-18

    And, yup, I'm going to agree. Y'know, I've been thinking about people who take issue with people advising others to get therapy. Since, put simply, therapy merely means "enlisting the help of someone in gaining insight into your situation when you can't seem to gain that insight on your own." The choices are x) continue to try to figure out it yourself by whatever intellectual or emotional or experiential process works for you or x) find someone to help you do #x above. Sometimes, this can be a friend or relative who has nearly unfettered access to the workings of your mind and an unusual understanding of psychology. Usually, though, someone with training is the way to go, as it would be for any important job. A true story: I tried repairing my clothes dryer a couple of years ago. I couldn't seem to figure it out, though, even after reading about it on the internet. I finally contacted someone with dryer repair experience. It works pretty well now, and I know what to do if it happens again.
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  • samms

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    2011-06-22 5-26-30-

    There is bad therapy though. You need to find someone LGBT friendly ( some are not) and there has to be an end in sight. The therapy should be constructive and practical with an end goal not something that stretches on for years without accomplishing much. Probably especially helpful for couples because it provides neutral arbitration.
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    mceldowney

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    2011-07-04 11-16-20

    Looks like we got a post n' run on our hands. *tips hat up from forehead with finger* Yup.
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  • scavone

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    2011-08-09 4-54-16-

    agree.
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  • erminie

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    Posts: 28

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    2011-09-18 9-18-02-

    strap-on. yeah, I said it. Okay, I'm being a tad glib. Do you both want to be in a monogamous relationship? Do you both believe that your relationship can continue without either of you getting hurt?
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    luft

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    2011-10-14 2-29-01-

    It sounds like this could work out Because even though there have been lapses you wind up back together and I don't sense any simmering resentment in your post. So I agree you should go to therapy and do other things to avoid having long term relationship sexual doldrums ( you don't need to argue first to have makeup sex you could throw each other around first or something). The only thing that worries me is the term "cheating". It sounds like you have just been seeing people when you break up but she has actually been cheating. Just as a tangent I think the biological clock thing is true. When I was x that was the only time I was ever attracted to average looking men ( instead of the x in x extremely beautiful, androgynous person). It evaporated a year later and it was pretty easy to control. This was an interesting study. I wonder if people who are exclusively homosexual and men as well have different gender type or behavioral preferences also related to fertility.
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    eiserman

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    2011-11-21 15-42-20

    I dated a woman who had been a surrogate mother twice in her twenties. She blamed her hormones on the "need to be pregnant".
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  • norem

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    2012-01-10 23-20-35

    I guess she got advice She liked better on the bisexuality forum.
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  • limehouse

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    2012-03-11 15-18-35

    Bifo suggested therapy too courtesy of NolaGent
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  • deluccia

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    2012-05-24 19-21-01

    I was just joking It's hard to offend me, at least. Things that offend me x. Fat jokes x. Racism x. Boogers x. Bathroom Humor x. Frat Boys x. Being ask to perform in a M/F threesome x. The smell of vanilla Thats about it. So you're cool with me.
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  • Sedat

    Sexy
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    2012-08-25 11-33-27

    no advice at all I can't relate in the least. Perhaps odTM's therapy suggestion is the best advice.
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    elfman

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    2012-10-06 11-38-05

    of course it is
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    Guenevere

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    2012-11-24 4-00-25-

    heh. Is this yours?
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  • couillard

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    2012-12-19 7-14-51-

    *toot*
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  • spore

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    2013-02-07 3-35-11-

    re; my post thanks for the interesting bits. yes therapy is something we are definitely considering. sorry to be a "post and run" i posted and then went offline for a bit (tried staring at the post for response for awhile, but that was a bit like watching water boil.) like the idea of beer therapy - it certainly seems to let the honesty flow while being mellow enough to not get too angry. all the same we probably will seek a professional counselor. we do need to find the right- anyone with advice ofin the greater tampa, fl area feel free to suggest. we do love each other and try as we might, every time we start to move on, we realize that we are still in love with each other. I feel really good about the feedback here - I have NEVER posted on a discussion forum and was a little worried to get slammed by negative comments - ya'll rock :x) by the way - we do have a strap on, but have used it only occasionally. we may be using it more now. ;) as far as the hormones it was great to hear from someone else who went through similar feelings. if we work things out, we would like to have , so I am hoping that after that maternal urge has been satisfied we would go back to 'normal' so to say. anyway, i'm rambling. thanks again.
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